Crying Out
by BookkeeperThe
Summary: Being used to pain doesn't make it hurt less. It simply makes it easier not to cry out. One-shot, Remus angst. Suicide mentions.


Disclaimer: Neither the characters nor the universe are mine

**Disclaimer: Neither the characters nor the universe are mine.**

**A/N I've always loved Remus angst, and this idea just popped into my head. The beginning isn't that good, but it gets better. I hope you like it.**

"Mr. Potter and Mr. Lupin, if you could please come with me."

The four Marauders and Lily Evans (who had just recently begun dating James) exchanged frightened looks. The professor's face was grim, the same expression he had worn when he had approached Lily at breakfast the last year to inform her that her parents had been murdered in a Death Eater attack. It was happening more and more often now, as Voldemort gained power.

James and Remus followed the professor mutely out of the Transfiguration classroom and into a nearby empty one.

"What happened?" asked Remus softly when the door was closed.

"There was an attack on the Potter residence this morning. You parents were visiting at the time, and . . ."

"What?" demanded James. "Are they hurt? What happened?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin, but there were no survivors."

"No!" gasped James as Remus closed his eyes to hide the pain in them. "No! There must be some mistake! There has to be . . ." his voice was a pleading whisper.

"I wish I could tell you there was," said the professor sadly. "You are both excused from afternoon classes." There was the sound of the door slamming and pounding footfalls, and Remus knew that his friend had run from the room.

"Mr. Lupin?" said the professor concernedly. "I know this must come as a shock to you . . ."

"He's not used to pain," said Remus without opening his eyes. "I don't know what it will do to him."

"Are you, Mr. Lupin? Used to this kind of pain?"

"Yes." He wasn't asking for pity. It was a simple statement of fact.

"It doesn't really make it hurt any less, does it?" Remus opened his eyes at last, his intense gaze piercing into the older man.

"No. It simply makes it easier not to cry out." He turned towards the door. "I have to go now."

**OooOooO**

He made his way through familiar corridors after checking that the map was still in his bag. He didn't want to be found this time.

He climbed the stairs, not feeling the fatigue that would normally overtake him from such exertion so shortly after the full moon, and soon he was staring over the edge of the astronomy tower.

His parents . . . images flashed through his mind, almost too quickly to comprehend.

Both of them, white faced but accepting, when he woke up in St. Mungo's after he was bitten, glowing with pride as he donned his Hogwarts robes. His mother, wrapping him tenderly in a blanket on the morning after the full moon. His father, wracked with guilt as he explained why Remus was a werewolf . . . and now they were gone . . . gone, just like Alexis, his baby sister, born three months early, who dies when she was just two weeks old . . . just like Dawn, who he had thought he knew, even loved, but who had rejected him when she discovered what he was . . . .

What if that was all his life was? Loss and pain? Was that all he had to look forward to?

Did he want to wait around for more?

It would crush his friends, but what if he was cursed in more than one way, destined to lose everyone close to him?

What if they were next?

He shuddered at the thought, his foot slipped, and then he was falling . . . .

**OooOooO**

". . . didn't know . . ."

"Why . . ."

The voices faded in and out, like a badly tuned radio. His body ached and his limbs felt heavy. Was he dead? He remembered standing at the top of the astronomy tower, debating whether to jump . . .

_Well, I guess if I am dead than the decision's been made for me. _The voices were getting clearer.

"He looks terrible. Why would he do something like that?"

"I don't know, Pads. I didn't think he would take it so bad." Oh. It was James and Sirius. _I guess that means I'm not dead. And they think I jumped. _He wasn't quite sure how he felt about either point.

There was a sniff from somewhere to his left. It sounded like Lily. _I really shouldn't worry them any longer . . ._ _. _He groaned slightly and opened his eyes to see that he was in the hospital wing and that Sirius, James, Peter, and Lily were sitting around his bed, all looking pale and worried.

They all jumped at the sound and turned to him.

"Oh, Remus!" cried Lily, bursting into tears and pulling him into a hug. "Why did you do it?"

"I didn't, I fell." It was _technically _true. He hadn't jumped. Yet.

"What on earth were you doing close enough to the edge of the astronomy tower to fall?"

"Thinking," he answered evasively. Sirius snorted.

"Thinking about jumping." Remus winced at the truth of the statement.

"Sirius!" said Lily sharply. He ignored her.

"I'm right, aren't I? You were going to jump." Remus sighed resignedly.

"I was . . . considering it." James, Lily, and Peter paled all over again.

"Why?" croaked James.

"I . . . I've lost so much . . . what if it's like a curse? What if . . . what if you guys are next? I don't think I could handle losing you." Lily's eyes filled with tears again and James and Sirius each grabbed one of his hands fiercely.

"That is _not _going to happen," growled Sirius.

"We will _never _leave you alone!" said James harshly.

"Never," agreed Peter in a shaky voice.

"Never," promised Lily softly.

**OooOooO**

Four years later, the five teens, by then young adults, would look back on that promise.

James Potter would wonder, as he sank into the blackness of death, if his friend would really jump this time.

Lily Evans Potter would realize, as she watched the personification of evil say two fatal words, that her determination to survive that past few years had been as much for that fragile, gentle werewolf as it was for herself and her family.

Sirius Black would laugh, as he was dragged away by the aurors, at the irony of it all.

Peter Pettigrew would feel, as he scurried into the sewers of London, a twinge of remorse for the first and last time.

And Remus Lupin would weep, as he fell to his knees, finally crying out.

But there would be no one left to hear him.

**A/N Okay, I was really happy with parts of this, not so much with others, but I think it's pretty good overall. Please review!**


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